A dialogue between Italian Coffee and Starbucks

Michał Chmurski

SB: Buongiorno, Italian Coffee!

IC: Howdy Starbucks my American friend! What brings you to bella Italia?

SB: You know how we’ve always been inspired by you, and the way you approach the finest drink in the world? Well, we’ve decided that the best way to pay homage to you, darling IC, is to open one of our third spaces in Milano! Isn’t it awesome?

IC: Starbucks, this is all bella bella indeed! But do you know what you’re really getting into?

SB: Of course we do! Why, our Mr Howard Schultz said just the other day, “Everything that we’ve done sits on the foundation of those wonderful experiences that many of us have had in Italy, and we’ve aspired to be a respectful steward of that legacy for 45 years.”

IC: Really, has it been that long? We’ve had almost as many prime ministers as you’ve been open.

SB: Anyway, IC, we know we do things differently to you, so we won’t be stepping on your toes at all. We know that you’re all about the fast experience, drinking coffee standing up, being all intense –

IC: — proper –

SB: — about it. We’re far more relaxed and leisurely.

IC: That’s what you Yankees say about us!

SB: No, no, no. “We’re going to try, with great humility and respect, to share what we’ve been doing. Our first store will be designed with painstaking detail and great respect for the Italian people and coffee culture.”

IC: Is that Mr Howard again?

SB: Look, we’re not going to make life difficult for you IC…

IC: Of course you won’t! Because you don’t actually serve coffee, do you, SB? Instead you have invented this hot warm sugar drink and you call it ‘coffee’, and somehow the world has fallen it for. Well, SB, I tell you, we Italians might get fooled by many things, but we won’t get fooled by this!

SB: That tone’s hurtful IC. We don’t mean any harm.

IC: Well, at least I don’t make you fat!

SB: Unlike your mama’s cooking! … Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Ciao!

Starbucks runs to the Adriatic, and jumps aboard the nearest passing whaling ship, conveniently called the Pequod.

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